Our Pregnancy Journey

I wasn't going to go into this, but since someone asked for me to share about our pregnancy journey I feel like maybe it's helpful to hear each other's stories.  I know I sure would have liked to have a personal connection with someone else going through the same thing I was while I was in the thick of the thing.  Unfortunately, when we are in the middle of a struggle society tells us to save face. 

Micha and I got married in October of 2017.  We thought we would play God and plan out our pregnancy.  (haha!) Of course, at the time there were at least a dozen women at my workplace that were pregnant, had just returned from maternity leave, or had just given birth.  You'd think all I would need to do was drink the water, but it wasn't as easy as I felt I deserved. I recognize how entitled that sounds, but this is how I truly felt.  I deserved a pregnancy.  I was ready for my baby.  I had played my cards right. I obtained my college degree. I waited until {I was in a healthy} marriage.  We were financially stable.  I had overcome difficult situations, and yet we didn't conceive as soon as we wanted to. 

We weren't sure I could conceive a child, much less carry one. My first husband had an affair and gifted me with HPV. I didn’t know it until I was told I already had cancerous cells, and in an effort to remove them with good margins I lost a considerable amount of my cervix. {My pride too, but that’s another story for another day.} I was told then that scar tissue could prevent me from conceiving. I was told if I did conceive I certainly wouldn’t carry a baby to full term- there simply wasn’t room. This lead weight of the unknown made TTC (trying to conceive) all the more nerve wracking. Would we put efforts into something that would never grant us our ultimate goal? It was our gamble.

We started trying to conceive in December, but didn't successfully find out we were pregnant until April.  Sure, that's not entirely long to wait, especially when I look back on it now.  Now that I'm on the other side.  But when you are in the thick of the TTC two week cycles time moves so slowly.  I remember just going though the motions numb in my everyday interactions.  I was also angry. I avoided baby showers because I literally couldn't fix my attitude.  I was selfish and upset that we were struggling to conceive and {what felt like} everyone around us effortlessly achieving their goals of a family.

Of course, you cannot help but be hopeful each and every time you think the pending pregnancy test will be positive by being so acutely aware of your body, more than ever before, attempting to pick up on any sign that your suspicions were true.  It's the times those symptoms you thought were indicating an early pregnancy were just indicating an enviable menstrual cycle instead.  The disappointment was so overshadowing that some days I didn't get out of bed. I sobbed. I argued with my husband, who wanted the same thing as me, and I was angry when he wasn't outwardly angry about our failed attempts.  I was so frustrated to be out of control of this next step in our life, that I even broke a door in our home during a tantrum.  I was at my whits end... I was turning hopeless.

I started googling for answers.  I read countless forums.  I scoured articles.  I was searching for community- someone, anyone out there that was also struggling. I was desperate for techniques to aid in TTC. That's when we started buying and testing product after product off Amazon that included an overwhelming amount of positive reviews.  Our bedroom felt like a laboratory.  Was this what needed to happen?  Trying to conceive was so calculated.  I tracked data and watched for trends.  This too became exhausting.  I was struggling to enjoy this season with my husband because TTC was truly consuming me. I felt so isolated.

Meanwhile I had to fake it, save face, put my emotions aside while at work.  I was constantly bombarded with questions of when Micha and I would start a family, and I had to side step every time.  I didn't feel like I couldn't openly share that I was at home trying my best between the sheets to no avail.  I didn't want to admit to the failures we were facing, so I lied... my story was that we were looking forward to our honeymoon first.  Blatant lies. Truthfully, I needed community. I needed the courage to speak up about my not-yet success. Sometimes it’s too easy to only share the good- thank you Instagram for that peer pressure- when in reality, we all need to feel a little less isolated- a little more normal- part of a community full of supporters and cheerleaders.

Very few people knew our struggle in the moment. I thought I was protecting myself. Looking back though, perhaps I shouldn’t have lied. Perhaps I should have found courage to humble myself and admit that the desires of our hearts to peruse a family were keeping us in a state of trials. Maybe we needed a season of waiting; perhaps I needed to be humbled to patience.

When  I finally took the test that read differently than all the previous ones; I was in disbelief. It didn’t help that it was April Fools Day (ironically enough also Easter Sunday). Relieved and skeptical. I took pregnancy tests for five consecutive days before I could say and believe that we were finally pregnant. Except. You. Can’t. Tell. Anyone.

So after all this hardship, all this waiting, pleading, and array of emotions.... a celebration is merely whispered. My most recent accomplishment, fought battle won, and the isolation of silence prances back into our reality.

We were to sit on this news for weeks.

Months.

And moreso, we needed to wait until we returned from our {belated} honeymoon to share that our family was growing. We were finally expecting that babe we so wanted.

I felt a number of ways about it.

Elated. Terrified.

Excited. Anxious.

I feared any wrong move would change our fate. For a long time I wasn’t sure anymore if I deserved this baby. Had we done enough? Did we want this baby enough? Were we really fit to be parents? Questions swam in my head for a while.

Until we were in the ultrasound tech’s office to confirm our pregnancy and catch our first glimpse of our baby, and the tech said “mom you sit here, dad you sit there.” It was then, right then, that I realized we were going to have a baby. We were parents.