Stupid Sentences That Piss Off a Mama

This post isn’t for the Mamas, except to provide some comfort in the fact that we all are just a little bit more similar. This post is for the husbands.

Call it a cautionary tale.

A what not to do.

A bit of a self help guide.

And a touch of comic relief for your wife... who wants to throat-punch you when you utter some really stupid sentences. {grin}

:What do you want me to do?
Guys, this might seem harmless, but it’s oh so offensive. Do not, I repeat do not, ever ask a woman what they want YOU to do. She will tell you “nothing,” because we refuse to be your task manager... save yourself on this one and take initiative. There’s always something to be done. Perhaps, attend to her needs, because the likelihood if her fore-fitting another bathroom trip or forgetting to prepare a glass of water before lifting her shirt for the eighth time today has left her neglecting some of her own needs.

:The baby is hungry.
Gentlemen, frankly those are fighting words. DODGE! Listen, this baby eats on a pretty predictable schedule, and if you don’t know it... don’t just randomly suggest an ill tempered baby needs to be fed. Mom has it under control. Save yourself from stepping on her toes.

:Can you hold the baby so I can ______?
Can you hold the baby so I can {do a task you do all day alone}? This one is actually laughable. Simply stated, level up. If you can’t carry a baby, your phone, a glass of water and at least a bottle.... chances are she is tempted to throw said item at the back of your head. You see, you’re gone during the day, and a sat down baby literally makes our ladybits tingle, so we manage. All I’m saying is, try. You’d be shocked at what you can do while holding a baby... we tread a fine line between “OMG, I can’t believe I didn’t drop {baby}” and “I’ve totally got this... why isn’t this an Olympic sport?!” Give it an old fashioned attempt and let yourself be amazed at what you can juggle.

:What did you do all day anyway?
Let’s be honest fellas, some days we merely KEPT THE LITTLE HUMAN ALIVE. We do not need your sass. In fact, I recommend that if you so feel the need to speak this blasphemy, you had better be behind a locked door. I get it... we have all this time to complete an array of tasks while you’re away from home, but the reality is that legitimately we have about 30 minutes each three hours to do said tasks. Do you really blame us when we just want to drink a cup of hot coffee in silence? Bottom line is we don't dictate our day whatsoever. Really, we are pretty damn shocked when we can keep up with dishes, laundry, clearing clutter and attending to the child’s demanding needs. We are pretty shocked when we get anything else done, and frankly it’s rarely what we would choose to do with our 30 minutes... we do said tasks for fear of this comment right here.

:I’m so tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.
We can all clearly see the problem with this statement, can’t we? Hey bud, shut your face hole. Likely, your baby’s mama was awake literally getting chewed on for at least an hour or two last night while you snored in bed beside her and she refrained from cutting you in your sleep. So, sure... you’re tired... join the club.

:Did you take a nap today?
Don’t. Just don’t. While a nap may seem like the easiest thing we could get away with doing for ourselves, chances are we didn’t want to put up with snoozing in uncertain increments that we just made another cup of coffee and trudged on.

:Don’t bother me at work.
Alright, hear me when I say that if we text you it’s because we need something. Period. It may be a little attention that we need or some adult interaction. It could be that we actually have a time sensitive question for you. We rarely (if ever)  text or call to chat, so don’t assume that our intention is to bother you. Sometimes we just want to know when we will have a moment of relief or a teammate to get us through the rest of the day. Trust that we aren’t asking about your whearabouts because we want much more than your companionship in this quite lonely stage of our lives.

:What do you want for dinner?
Seriously this can sometimes be the most crippling question we need to answer all day. We make decisions all day long and frankly food isn’t a decision that comes easy. Don’t let me inconvenience your dinner plans because I firmly believe that chocolate and wine will suit me just fine. I’ll manage.

:Why didn’t you...
Woah! Prepare for the firehouse of a tongue-lashing that’s headed your way...especially if you asked this all judge-y like. There could be a million reasons why said task wasn’t complete, but to be perfectly honest with you 80% of the time the answer is honestly that we forgot. We forgot to switch the laundry or call the insurance company. We forgot to order dog food or take the trash to the street. We’re human and in this stage of our lives keeping that tiny human alive is maintaining a lot of our brainpower leaving very little left. Kindly help me remember, and consider your tone... when chances are the likelihood of me forgetting to do something wasn’t intentional at all.

:Let me see your phone usage.
I’ll just say this about that... if you had boobs, you’d probably run up a lot of phone usage while being trapped in a chair four to five hours a day.  Heck, if you had boobs you’d figure out a lot more creative ways to entertain yourself so, hush. Who cares if I’m scrolling Instagram or taking another picture of our baby while I’m chair trapped for hundreds of minutes a day? Do you really care?

Seriously guys, we are living the most challenging of days in our lives and we are rewarded by a super cute tiny human’s smiles. Please give us grace, and if you find yourself using one or more of the aforementioned phrases.... hide, and don’t you dare ask...

:What’s wrong?
This is such a loaded question. There’s a lot wrong, always. We keep a lot to ourselves to protect you, our family, and our own sanity. There’s likely a bit wrong, but we are choosing to relish or distract ourselves with the good. Motherhood is hard. So much harder than we thought- it’s not simply snuggling cutely dressed babies. It’s so much more.

Instead, love on us.

Tell us this....

:::You’re doing a great job____.:::

Even if you lie to us, tell us. We need your lies, even if we are totally screwing up.